Furious is He

Call me Meriweather
In three days I will be on my way to Seattle, going to see Meredith and Joseph, and the Tiger Lillies. I am so ready for this, I need to get out of here and and put some miles between myself and so much of the garbage I have to wade through on a daily basis. God I hope I have enough money. So excited.

Happy labor day, I'm sure my mom will be very busy.
I wonder why I am so tired most days, then I look at the clock and realize it is not even eight am and I have been awake for a while. I usually stay in bed until at least nine, trying my best to at least rest more but that doesn't always work. The siren song that is myspace-stalking was far too seductive this morning for me to remain abed. I feel like I'm on an upswing again, I just hope that this time I can latch on to something before the inertia fades. Maybe I will be productive today, no wait, everything is going to be closed. Fucking, babies. I wonder if Insomnia is a sexually transmitted disease.

Current Mood: awake
Current Music: Feist

Fucking Paula Abdul
You take one step forward, then you take two more steps forward, and after a while you can gain confidence, confidence in the fact that pretty soon you will be running again. You stutter and trip, but still, forward. You are putting your life back together and getting back on track, but you forgot that you never liked that track in the first place. You think that a new location and new faces will be enough of a difference but, no, just new pitfalls. Before you know what is happening you find yourself on your knees and when the dust settles you realize that you are back where you started and this time you wonder if you have the stamina left to force yourself to retrace your progress while avoiding the mistakes of the first trek.

I hate seeing her friends.
I hate seeing her car every night I drive home from work.
I hate that she owes me money.
I hate that I can't stop hurting.
I hate that I let her do this to me.

God I am so fucking bored and lonely right now. My roommate is asleep, I can't watch any more Naruto tonight, most of my friends are out of town and I just don't know what to do with myself. Superbad was awesome though, even if I was sitting in a theatre packed to the gills with frat-boys.

So guess what I get to do again!! Move!!! Yep one more time I get to move, that makes six times in two years. This will be the fourth place I have lived in Tuscaloosa and I haven't even been here a year yet(thanks amanda). But this time I should stay here for at least a year, and this time my roommate won't be able to kick me out before that year is up.

On the upside Harry Potter was awesome and I've been seeing this girl who is also awesome and I won't have to move again for at least a year which is awesome.

Current Mood: anxious

Well, I let her do it to me again. I had the upper hand for a while but even then I pulled my punches, but I lost even that when I got a very strange, fucked up sort of sympathy from her, not for anything that she has done(of course), heaven forbid she actually take responsibility for herself. But god please let that be the last time.

Current Mood: lachrymose
Current Music: Misery's the River of the World - Tom Waits

grr.
I forgot how frustrating it is when you like someone and you first start seeing them, and boy oh boy do you like them, but you don't get to see them as much as you would like and you're not sure if you are dating or will be and you just want to hurry up and make concrete that definition. As if simply saying that you are dating someone makes all the anxiety go away, suddenly you can be confident in this budding relationship and everything is okay, right? Well whatever, I know what anxieties I have to look forward to(hopefully) but it is always the current anxiety that is worst, what you feel now is always worse than what you will feel later. This is a big step for me and goddamnit I hope this works out, but fuck me if this isn't frustrating.

Bradical

Current Mood: frustrated
Current Music: I think K. T. Tunstall is playing in the other room.

I don't understand how it gets worse. I do my best to be okay for myself and she does her best to be her worst, for both of us. I hate being lied to but I hate it also when someone tells me the truth just to watch me suffer.

My phone is dead. it is just sitting there in two useless pieces. What timing.

Couldn't she use the other side of the goddamned street? Why did she have to go and ruin my night before it even got started

tom selleck is on conan talking about a halloween costume based on himself. I was tom selleck for halloween this year. he isnt getting any of my money.

I've been treading for water as long as I can but one phone call is all it takes. Except instead of drowning I have someones hand on the back of my head, grinding my face into the asphalt. Then I'm drowning, but on my blood and regret and accusations. Wounds so old I had just assumed they were healed, opened with identical trauma inflicted. So long I was alone, I waited all those years to walk right back into the same old scenario. Only this time I don't have my mommy to save me. That paralysis, the fear, it is all there, only the stakes are higher this time, much higher. And I am so much more alone.

I rode my bike for the second night in a row and as tired as I was from last night I kept myself out longer tonight. I am going to try to keep this up. I need it, I don't really have much else in my life and I want the exercise. Goddamn-it I'm sick of sounding so whiny.

Current Mood: frustrated

So I think what I have is the material for an all new set of nightmares, big ones, the ones that keep me awake and set back any progress that I have made in my sleeping habits. Good dreams are showing up, so good that it makes me want to sleep so I do sleep. I sleep later than I have in probably half a year. And it makes me want to write, I have it all inside of me and I just have to find a way to get it out. I just want to help. Well I want more than that.

This all seems so familiar. I am starting to wonder if I really do enjoy doing this to myself. I have to get out of my apartment but it's three in the morning and nobody is awake and the question is would I rather be alone in my apartment or alone in my car. I guess in the end the location change doesn't really do anything because I'm still alone, something I have never really handled well. saturday can't get here soon enough. thank god for my new german buddy.

Current Mood: inefficacious
Current Music: Denali

I took a trip out of town a few nights ago and so many things changed due to that night and subsequent day. Something broke inside of me, I feel more free, free to make the hard decisions, even if I don't want to(which I don't but I've been forced into these things). I have something to look forward to again, atleast I hope I do(which is something I did not expect). I've needed to detatch myself and I've been unable to do that but now I feel that I might be able to, as much as this sucks. I have to do it. I'm just going to try to keep my focus on the good things that are beginning to show up and just try to see where this takes me.

Current Mood: blah
Current Music: Peter Bjorn and John - Young Folks

fuck her
Part of me wants to cry, another part wants to just start smashing shit up. God, at this point I just want to be done with it. I'm trying to push her out of my life, I just wish I could make it hurt her as much as it hurt me when she decided the same thing. I, god I don't know, I could strangle someone right now. I need to go buy something, something expensive, that always makes me feel better and it has to be better than finding someone to hurt, right?

Current Mood: enraged
Current Music: The Tiger Lillies - Drunken Sailor

I think I called back to fuel my anger. To remind myself that she won't do what she says she will. Blah Blah Blah. I'm going to go take a shower then finish my short story.

Current Mood: aggravated
Current Music: tv on the radio

So I had fun in Montgomery this weekend but it did serve to remind me of exactly why I don't want to live there anymore. It just feels like so much stagnation, that damned city. It was good to see my family and some of my friends though, but I am definitely happy to be back in tuscaloosa. I also got to go to the zoo in birmingham sunday, which was fun and I would strongly recommend the train ride for everybody who wants to go.

Work wasn't so bad tonight it was slow and pretty boring but I did get to see some people tonight that I havent seen in a while and I did think of a pretty cool idea for a short story while I was closing. I am really excited about getting started on it and it is very different from what I usually do. It isn't even fantasy, well I guess it is technically fantasy, but it's not the epic swords-and-sorcery style that I usually go for. But in any case I am excited.

Current Music: futurama

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